It's called Segregation

I've gotten a bunch of notes from people is response to the holiday message I sent to members of The Marrying Kind group on Facebook, so I decided to post it here: Hope it inspires you.

I wish you all health, peace, and happiness. What I especially wish and pray for is that we will all have equality in our life times.

Several years ago, I stopped saying that I support same-sex marriage rights and I started saying that I support the end of marriage segregation. Many people would rather not think of marriage in terms of segregation. But of course that's what it is in the United States and many other countries around the world. 

Whether or not one supports same-sex marriage has been allowed to become a philosophical debate. Somehow, whether or not one supports gay marriage has no impact on a person's character. How did that happen? Our beloved, and respected ( I respect him, too) President-Elect does not support gay marriage rights. This is an acceptable position even among many liberals.

However what happens if we change the language? President-elect Obama (And more that half the country) support segregation. That somehow feels less acceptable, doesn't it?

Framing marriage-rights in terms of segregation is honest and explains the rage so many of us who support the end of marriage segregation feel.

My guess is that you would not have joined The Marrying Kind if you didn't believe segregation was wrong. I credit my parents for instilling this belief in me. I don't go to weddings because it sends the message that I support segregation. And I do not.

I ask that you will all talk to others about marriage in terms of segregation. Tell your friends how that makes you feel.

Oh, and since it's Christmas time, I'm wondering if you'd all play Santa for me and get some of your anti-segregationist friends of yours to join The Marrying Kind. If you can't invite everyone, even two or three new members from each of you would be a delight!

Again, my best wishes for the season

Ken O'Neill

http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=20197089649&ref=mf

God Help Us

Once again I'm feeling that gays are dispensable. That our rights don't matter. That we, as a segment of the U.S. population, are insignificant.  I don't want to feel this way.

What's got me riled this morning?

The news that President-elect Obama has chosen Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at his inauguration.  Rick Warren who worked to get Prop 8 passed in California.

Feeling the need to deliver an olive branch to Christian conservatives, Obama has slapped gays in the face.  The message is clear: We don't matter.

I urge you all to let your voices be heard. Tell President-elect Obama that you are troubled by his selection.

You can write him here:  http://change.gov/page/content/contact/webloc

Below is the letter I just wrote:

Dear President-elect Obama,

I'm honored to have had the privilege of voting for you. And I truly believe you are our nation's best hope. Your intellect and demeanor are exactly what are required as we enter this extremely difficult chapter in our history. I wish you the best.

I must say, however, that I am deeply troubled by your choice to include Rick Warren as a part of your inauguration . This man actively worked to see that Prop 8 passed in California. At a time when so many in the GLBT community feel that the promise of change that your candidacy brought was delivered to all Americans except gays, this choice reinforces that troubling feeling.

Sir, when you were born your own parents could not have wed in every US state. That marriage segregation was wrong. The exclusion of gays and lesbians from this most basic of rights is equally wrong.

I understand that you do not support the end of marriage segregation. I knew this when I voted for you. And though I strongly disagree with you on this point, my respect for you, and my support of so many of your other positions inspired me to work for your campaign.

I am asking, as a supporter of yours, and as a gay American, for you to reconsider having someone as divisive as Rick Warren speak at your inauguration.

Please.

Because there should be no place for segregation in the United States.

Respectfully,

Ken O'Neill

40 years after Milk

I saw Milk this morning. It's a fine film filled with great performances, especially from Sean Penn as the late Harvey Milk. The movie spans the years 1970 -1978. And focuses on Milk's last year of life when he was the first openly gay elected official in the country.

It's hard not to draw comparisons between 1978 and 2008. They're both years in which Californians went to the polls to decide on the fates of their gay neighbors. In '78 it was prop 6 a bill to force gay teachers out of the school system. This year, of course, was prop 8, the bill making it illegal for gays and lesbians to wed.

One likes to believe we've come so far in 40 years. And indeed in many ways we have. We are more visible, we have more power. We have followed the advice of Harvey Milk and so many of us have come out of the closet.

But now, as I think about the film just three hours after viewing it, I wonder just how much progress we've really made?

In 1978 when Californians were asked to deny their gay neighbors rights, the bill was overwhelmingly defeated. Back then, voters decided on the side of civil rights. But this year -- 40 years later-- when voters in California went to the polls they chose to deny their gay neighbors civil rights.

I'm not sure what lesson there is to learn from this. Perhaps that we must remain vigilant. And that we must fight until we all have equality. Settling for things being better is not enough. When things are equal we can rest.

Harvey Milk asked for thousands to follow in his footsteps, to do the work he began. Let us all hear his call.

Tying the knot

I came across a marriage equality website today that I wanted to let you all know about. It's called whiteknot.org   Please visit the site and participate.

The idea is a simple one: wear a white ribbon tied in a knot as a symbol that every person, regardless of sexual orientation, should have the right to marry.

As I write about this today, on World AIDS day, I think about the powerful symbol the red ribbon was, and continues to be, in raising recognition about the AIDS crisis. In the 80s and early 90s, at a time when so many people were refusing to take action-- to even utter the word AIDS-- people of conscience donned ribbons and forced a conversation to happen. The ribbon brought an end to silence and forced politicians into action. Action that led to research and hope.

 I think about my own brother, Gene, today who died in 1996 from AIDS.  I remember the first time I saw him wearing a ribbon, I remember him making me one, pinning it to my lapel. Being so strong when I was not.

Today, I will make myself a whiteknot. I will make one for my partner. I will make them for my friends.  As I so often do, I will think about my brother while I tie these knots. I'll remember his humor, his strength, his spirit.  If he were alive, I know he'd be by my side, in the fight for marriage equality. He'd be buying the white ribbon right now.

We must none of us be silent on this civil rights issue. I'm actually rather shy, quiet. My brother was the outgoing one. Still, I will force myself not to cower, not to be afraid. I will speak the truth about marriage segregation.  And when it's difficult finding the words, I'll let the whiteknot speak for me.

I hope you will as well.

No More Mr. Nice Gay

Something dramatic has shifted in the mood of gays & lesbians I've been in contact with. It started Wednesday, after the euphoria of the Obama election started passing and the realization that we had somehow taken two steps forward and three back. We, as a group, have found our anger and our voice. Because, this wasn't the CHANGE we were hoping for. The promise of change was not supposed to strip us of rights. The promise of change was not supposed to be just for some.  The WE, of Yes we Can, was supposed to include me, too.

And so we must respond. And protesting has begun.  I am, and most people I know are thrilled by the prospect of an Obama white house. That does not mean we shut up about the injustices of Tuesday.

I urge everyone who supports equality to start making some noise. Take to the streets, write a letter, skip a wedding. Do something.

Today I received a note from a man in California who moved there from NY 6 months ago to marry his partner.  I can not begin to imagine the pain he must be feeling now.  From his sadness, I imagine will come anger, from anger the conviction to fight.  It's a feeling so many of us have now.

On facebook where I have my group The Marrying Kind, several hundred people have joined since Wednesday night. They in turn have invited their friends.  Several other protest groups have formed.

This election was joyous but also shined a harsh light on the reality of life for gays and lesbians in America.  Something has shifted. I don't think we will be complacent any longer.

You see, we heard the message. Followed the man's call. Supported, fought and believed.

WE STILL BELIEVE:  CHANGE

Yes, we can.

Mom

My mother called me this afternoon. That's nothing new, we talk several times a week on the phone.  For the last several months our conversations have been mostly about politics.  We're on the same side of issues so our chats were never heated, except when we were both upset about something the "other side" had said or done. Or we'd both seen Elizabeth on The View.

Today, she asked me how I was doing using her I-love-you-and-I'm-very-concerned voice.

"I'm fine," I said.

"I'm so, so sorry."

I wasn't following.

She was referring to the contests: Prop 8, Florida, Arizona, Arkansas.   "It's horrible," she said. "I just don't understand."

When I first told my mother that my partner and I were no longer attending weddings as a form of protest, she said "okay but couldn't you just send your regrets without getting into the reason."   She didn't want to offend anyone.  

Today she was speaking in a very different way. How, she wondered, could someone vote for Obama and then also vote for hate? Did they not understand the message of CHANGE?

I had no answer for her.

Before we hung up, her voice began to crack. "I want you to know something. As far as I'm concerned you and Marcus are married. I pray someday the country will recognize that. I'm so proud of you."

I'm proud of you too Ma, I wanted to say. But the words didn't come.

victory

Today, everywhere I look I see smiling faces on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Last night history was made with the election of Barack Obama. I heard the cheering crowds, and I joined them. Hope renewed.

This morning I awoke to discover that same-sex marriage bans had passed in Florida and Arizona. Arkansas passed legislation keeping gays from adopting.  And proposition hate (I mean, 8) will likely pass.

How is it that all of these Americans excited by the prospect of change do not want change for gays and lesbians?

Today is a joyous day. But it is also for me terribly bittersweet.  Our journey will be long, our road filled with obstacles, we must persevere. We must fight. For CHANGE is for all of us.

I urge you all to say how thrilled you are about the results of this presidential election. And then add the But.... But I am saddened, frustrated, recommitted to the cause of equality.

We have seen a black man become president in our life times.  I don't believe we will see an openly gay or lesbian president in my lifetime. It certainly can't happen until we have equal rights.  If we can't serve in the military, If we can not marry, we can not lead our country.

Please, if you have not already, join me in boycotting federally recognized marriage until every US citizen can wed.