It's called Catholic CHARITIES

Most people know, I'm waiting for the day that the LGBT community has equal FEDERAL marriage rights. This does not mean that I'm not moved and excited with each state victory and deeply saddened by our losses. I'm a New Yorker.

Today a little good news: DC one step closer to marriage equality.

Alone in my studio, I brewed up a pot of organic Sencha (I know how to party) and I did a little happy dance for the good citizen's of the Nation's Capital.

Just as I poured my second cup, I received an e-mail from HRC. I assumed they wanted to get in on the happy dance, too.

Actually, they had grimmer news. They were asking me to send a letter to Archbishop Wuerl who, through the Catholic Charities organization, provides, among other things, medical services to some of the neediest in the DC area. (What a noble and honorable thing to do. Right?) Well it is, except when you threaten to pull the plug on the program because you don't want to have to serve gay married people, which is what the Archbishop is threatening to do.

I just need to say it's a good thing there are so many polyphenols in green tea. Because at this moment I'm sure my body is being overwhelmed by free radicals. I read the e-mail twice from HRC. There must be a mistake.

I was raised a Catholic. And I went to Catholic schools--I paid attention in class. But I have no memory of the day I was taught the lesson to screw the sick and disenfranchised. I guess I was absent that day.

As a gay man, I have plenty of problems with the Catholic church, one of those problems has never been their commitment to caring for the needy.

Those called to religious life are often filled with a loving spirit and a humble desire to serve God and care for the less fortunate. I pray to God ( and to St. Theresa too, who I'm super tight with) and I ask that They give Archbishop Wuerl the desire to reflect on his recent actions and the strength to reconsider his harmful threats.

And I hope that while he is in prayer and reflection, he takes the time to ask himself the simple question: What would Jesus do?

My guess is they would be of differing opinion.

The Boycott That Dare Not Speak its Name

I'm guessing it was sometime in late September of 2008. I was sitting at my desk working on my second book. My first, The Marrying Kind, was at the time still unsold. I wasn't in great spirits because I kept getting rejections from editors who said things like: great, funny, touching, I don't think I can sell it. Gay fiction doesn't sell.

While I will probably never write anything quite as "gay" as The Marrying Kind again, my second manuscript also features some gay characters. And apparently, as I was told, readers are not interested in gays.

So I'm writing, or struggling, and it's the fall of 2008, and the phone rings. And I think, let the machine get it, you're writing. Then I look at my blank computer screen.

I answer the phone.

It provides a welcome distraction.

There is a pause after I say, "hello". So I know it's a solicitation. But I'm not writing anyway, so I hang on.

It's a call from the DNC. They want my money for Obama. Well for Obama, of course. I pull out my credit card. I can't give a lot. I am an as yet unpublished author (of a book featuring gay people) and a massage therapist.

But for Obama I can spare $50.00. I mean, it's OBAMA!

I'm about to give my info when a little voice in my head says "Barack Obama does not support marriage equality, why are you giving him money?"

I looked at the credit card in my shaking hand. "You know what," I hear an angry quiver enter my voice. "On second thought, forget it!"

"Pardon?" The confused DNC volunteer asks. "I just need your card number, sir."

"No. Not a dime for Obama."

I sense the campaign worker might hang up on me. And really, can I blame him? But I don't want him to hang up. I want him to know why he can't have my fifty bucks.

"I am a gay man," I say. And now I can see Sally Field as Norma Rae thrust the STRIKE sign above her head. "I will not," I thunder on, "Give one dime, not a penny, to a candidate who does not believe I deserve the same rights that he enjoys. RIGHTS, I might add, that his own parents would have been denied in some states when they were wed."

Now I was on a role, "Please tell Mr. Obama," I say this like the future president and the poor, put upon volunteer on the phone are best buds. "Tell him, when he decides to support my civil rights, I will reward him with contributions to future campaigns."

I hung up. Had a moment of triumph. And then pictured Sarah Palin and John McCain in the white house.

"Oh my God! What have I done."

I didn't call the DNC back. Nor did I tell anyone of my boycott--I was totally on the downlow.

I did vote for Obama.

When he won, I was very glad he had done so. And I was more glad that he'd won without any of my money.

Still, I said nothing about my boycott.

Now I hear we're all hanging on to our dollars until Obama and the DNC make equality more of a priority. (About time!) I read that leading activists including Pam Spaulding, Andy Towle, Michelangelo Signorile, Dan Savage and David Mixner are requesting that folks put a freeze on their donations until Obama actually lives up to his self-proclaimed title of "fierce advocate" for GLBT issues.

So I guess I can say it now: I'm in, everybody. I'm in.

By Example

What can I do?

It's a thought I often have just seconds before I lay down on my couch in despair. Not productive, but there you have it.

I know I can be doing more to create change. To move our nation in the direction of equality.

Last week I got invited via Facebook to join a group created by Sean Chapin called: Equality Civil Rights Movement. Sean's goal get 50% of the LGBT community to devote 5% of their time to advancing the movement.

5% of my time? I can do that. (I think)

Many of you know I've written a very-pro equality novel called The Marrying Kind, which will be released sometime in June by Alyson books. It was a lot of work and I'm very proud of it. BUT I have been a bit resting on my laurels of late. The book is not coming out until June. I can do plenty of other things to advance this cause before then.

Now comes the urge to lie down. What can I do? Okay it's passed. Not lying down!

Here's one idea:

At The Marrying Kind group we're organizing a Thanksgiving event. Across the country we are asking folks to raise the topic of equality at the dinner table. Tell your family how you feel-- that civil rights for the LGBT community is something that matters to you.

If you already know your whole family supports gay rights, it's an easy conversation. If you know they don't, or you aren't sure, it's hard. I know that. But it's important. I think we have to start with our families.

That's just one idea. But it demonstrates that committing to the cause does not have to mean anything particularly extraordinary beyond raising your voice. No money. No special props.

Can't we do this for Sean? Can't we do this for ourselves?

Sean Chapin is my Facebook "friend". I don't actually know him. Though I admire him immensely.

He's asking us to commit 5% of our time.

My guess is he's committing 95% of his.

Please become a fan of Equality Civil Rights Movement

History Repeating

Faggot!

I'm thirteen and shards of glass spray up toward my face. The bottle, sailing out of the passing car window, lands at my feet, shattering, making me jump back in terror, making me scream, making me seem, to the men in the car, just like a

Faggot!

They shout one more time before speeding off.

I'm thirty-eight and shards of glass spray up toward my face. The bottle soaring from the apartment window, lands a foot away from me, in my own Backyard.

Faggot!

This time, I do not jump. I do not scream, I stifle it. I do not act like a

Faggot!

They scream one last time as I retreat back into my Harlem home. I do not return to my garden.

These two memories always rush forward when I become angry. When I'm overcome with a sense of injustice.

Last November, for weeks after the passing of Prop8, I was thirteen again, surrounded by broken glass. I was thirty-eight, too, and afraid to be in my own yard.

And now it's another November and I wonder if any of the good citizens of Maine were in that car or in that high rise. Are they the ones? Did they call me

Faggot!

Did these good citizens of Maine throw bottles at me?

If they did--they missed.

Still here. Still in one piece. I was not cut.

I was scared, true.

But I was not stopped.

I will not be stopped.

The Cost of being Gay

The New York Times reports on the increased amount of money a same-sex couple will spend as compared to their straight counterparts. The amount can be as high as $400,000 over the course of their relationship.

Having spent an extra $100,000 on health insurance during the first ten years of my relationship, this figure doesn't surprise me. It does sadden me though.

After California stripped marriage rights away from its citizens, Melissa Etheridge vowed to stop paying taxes. At the time I thought she was being a little extreme.

I don't anymore.

I'm not prepared to say that I'm going to stop paying mine. In fact I know I'm not going to stop paying my taxes. Because I'm not really a rule breaker. And it's scary. And I don't want to go to jail. Those are the reasons I'll keep paying every dime of my taxes.

I will not keep paying them, however, Because I think it's right. I do not receive the same benefits as straight married Americans. I am not the same; I am less. Didn't we all learn something in history class about no taxation without representation?

So. You go Melissa!

And if any other queer Americans are joining her, I applaud their courage.

I'm not quite ready to join this new tea party.

I wish I was.

The 8 Continues

It's not a surprise, this continuation of 8. But it is deeply upsetting.

It is not a surprise, this continuation of 8. It is, however, unjust.

No surprise, this continuation of 8. What it is, clearly, is another example of man's inhumanity.

I am not stunned. I am not shocked by what has happened today.

I expected nothing else.

What I am now, in the wake of this discovery, is angry. Saddened.

What I am not is complacent. What I am not is resigned.

I will not be cowed. Silenced. Deterred.

I will speak. I will set example. I will agitate. I will remind. I will write. I will have resolve.

I will not go away.

I will prevail.

I will rejoice.

I will embody love.

And I will see the end of 8.

Family Friendly

The first word I uttered this morning was: REALLY?

This was in response to an e-mail I received telling me that Amazon had stripped hundreds of gay themed books of their rankings. Rankings help buyers find books. The higher a books ranking the more likely shoppers will find the title. The books in question, including Oranges are not the only Fruit, In the Line of Beauty & Brokeback Mountain were removed in an effort to make their list more family friendly. These and many other gay titles were deemed adult.

Correct me if I am wrong aren't all books that are not children's or YA, adult? Why does the presence of of a gay character make them too adult?

As a writer whose first novel, The Marrying Kind, is coming out next year and features several gay and lesbian characters, I find this deeply troubling. As a reader, and a very frequent Amazon customer, I am equally troubled.

I do not want Amazon deciding what I can read. I am quite capable of making those decisions myself.

Fortunately, even though large corporations like Amazon have destroyed much of the retail book industry, there are still a few other choices when it comes to buying books.

I'll be shopping elsewhere. How about you?

Don't Forget to Write!

Before I even had my coffee this morning, I read in the Times that Governor Douglas of Vermont had announced his plan to veto a marriage rights bill if it passed in his state.  This is a bill with overwhelming support. And this is VERMONT!

Sean Chapin has started a letter writing movement through a group on facebook. And he wants us to write and let the Governor know how his action makes us feel.

Here's my letter:

Dear Governor Douglas,

I'm writing in hopes that I can persuade you to reconsider your decision to veto marriage equality in Vermont.

I ask you to reflect upon what it was that made you seek out a political life.  My guess is that among your reasons for choosing this career was not a desire to further discrimination-- to enshrine a separate but equal policy into your state's constitution.

That is exactly what your veto will do.

Sir, you find yourself in an extremely fortunate position.  For history will certainly remember you--few people ever find themselves in that position.  

The question to ask yourself is how would you like to be remembered?  Will you be recalled as a great man who fought for basic, equal rights for every citizen?  Or rather will time show you to be a man who chose to align himself with bigotry and discrimination.  A man who chose to continue marriage segregation when he so easily could have put a stop to it.

Ken O'Neill

www.themarryingkind.org

Below is Douglas's web address:

http://governor.vermont.gov/contact.html

Go, Chuck!!

I have been working on a new book and away from my blog.  But I could not let this moment pass without sharing that Sen. Chuck Schumer of my home state, New York has called for the repeal of DOMA and fully supports marriage equality!

According to Chuck:  It's time.  Equality is something that has always been a hallmark of America and no group should be deprived of it. New York, which has always been at the forefront on issues of equality, is appropriately poised to take the lead on this issue."

I couldn't agree more.

I HEART REV. SHEPHERD

I guess all of us want to feel that others understand us and support us.  That what we believe in is valued and respected by others.  I've written before about how difficult it was for me when I first began boycotting weddings because of their inherent segregation. So few people understood or respected my stance. In fact, most people thought I was down right selfish -- that my anger was misdirected at the poor couples who just wanted to be free to celebrate their special days.

I don't get many comments like that anymore. 

Today I was forwarded an inspiring  article from the Ashland Daily Tidings. Reading it I realize that the call to acknowledge marriage segregation is taking hold all over the country.

At the First Congregational United Church of Christ the clergy members have decided that they will no longer sign marriage licenses until they can also sign them for gay & lesbian couples as well. (Let's all pause while we stand up and cheer).

The boycott of signing marriage licenses was the idea of the Rev. Pam Shepherd. (A person I don't know but I love!)

When I started The Marrying Kind group in late August, I would not have believed that there would be members of the clergy, a mere five months later, taking this kind of bold step.

When Harvey Milk said, "You gotta give'em hope,"  he was referring to actions like those of the Rev. Shepherd.  Now because of her, and her fellow clergy members, gays and lesbians will get the message that there is a place for them in a religious community, if they want it.  They will feel that they are welcome. That they are worthy. That the promise of equality is theirs, too.

I'm sure there must be other churches in the US that have taken this noble stance for justice and equality.  If you know of one, please share the information with me.

Because we all could use a lot more hope.

Some of my best friends are straight

A women in LA took the time to e-mail me with a question about the Marrying Kind and whether or not I think what we're up to is anti-straight and reverse racism.  Here is what I said in response:

Thanks for taking the time to write. Forgive my slow response, I've been away.

My big goal with starting The Marrying Kind has been to get people to acknowledge the inherent segregation which is a part of US federal marriage. (Also marriage in many other parts of the word) and to respond accordingly.  I promise you I am not anti-straight.  If I told you that I would not enter a country club that would not take Jews, would you think me anti-christian?  Or if I wouldn't go to a school that didn't admit blacks, would you think me anti-white?

Of course you wouldn't.

For me, I don't see any difference with marriage. It is unfortunately a segregated institution. Now the brides and grooms may not want it to be segregated, but that doesn't change the fact that it is. In the same way that an individual member of the country club might want to let minorities in, but if the club doesn't change its rules, he's just
a really nice guy who is a member of a segregated club.

I was taught by my parents that segregation was unacceptable. When I came to think of marriage in these terms, I could no longer attend them. No matter how much I love the bride and groom.

Here's an interesting fact:  The times I've been tested on this point-- when I've received wedding invitations and declined them-- my resulting relationships with the couples have grown stronger. Our friendships have not suffered. Perhaps because my friends have valued my honesty and my commitment to what is right and just.

I've actually been hearing from many straight people who have chosen to not marry until we all can.  I applaud their choice. BUT I would never ask a straight couple to make that sacrifice. The price is so high.  I know this first hand. In the first ten years of my relationship, my inability to wed has cost my partner and I an additional $100,000 just on health insurance. (hard to believe but true). I would never ask people to put themselves in such an extremely perilous economic position.

Here's the thing about what I'm doing and asking others to do: we're just skipping a party.  The fact that it seems like such a big deal, demonstrates just how important marriage is. And what a disadvantaged position gays and lesbians are placed in by not being afforded equal rights.

If I were to accept an invitation to a wedding and attend, I would be sending the message that I agree with the current definition of marriage in America.  And I do not?

Do you?

my best,

Ken