A women in LA took the time to e-mail me with a question about the Marrying Kind and whether or not I think what we're up to is anti-straight and reverse racism. Here is what I said in response:
Thanks for taking the time to write. Forgive my slow response, I've been away.
My big goal with starting The Marrying Kind has been to get people to acknowledge the inherent segregation which is a part of US federal marriage. (Also marriage in many other parts of the word) and to respond accordingly. I promise you I am not anti-straight. If I told you that I would not enter a country club that would not take Jews, would you think me anti-christian? Or if I wouldn't go to a school that didn't admit blacks, would you think me anti-white?
Of course you wouldn't.
For me, I don't see any difference with marriage. It is unfortunately a segregated institution. Now the brides and grooms may not want it to be segregated, but that doesn't change the fact that it is. In the same way that an individual member of the country club might want to let minorities in, but if the club doesn't change its rules, he's just
a really nice guy who is a member of a segregated club.
I was taught by my parents that segregation was unacceptable. When I came to think of marriage in these terms, I could no longer attend them. No matter how much I love the bride and groom.
Here's an interesting fact: The times I've been tested on this point-- when I've received wedding invitations and declined them-- my resulting relationships with the couples have grown stronger. Our friendships have not suffered. Perhaps because my friends have valued my honesty and my commitment to what is right and just.
I've actually been hearing from many straight people who have chosen to not marry until we all can. I applaud their choice. BUT I would never ask a straight couple to make that sacrifice. The price is so high. I know this first hand. In the first ten years of my relationship, my inability to wed has cost my partner and I an additional $100,000 just on health insurance. (hard to believe but true). I would never ask people to put themselves in such an extremely perilous economic position.
Here's the thing about what I'm doing and asking others to do: we're just skipping a party. The fact that it seems like such a big deal, demonstrates just how important marriage is. And what a disadvantaged position gays and lesbians are placed in by not being afforded equal rights.
If I were to accept an invitation to a wedding and attend, I would be sending the message that I agree with the current definition of marriage in America. And I do not?
Do you?
my best,
Ken
2 comments:
Very true!
Although, I'm still getting married in the Church before my boyfriend leaves for Iraq. (I hope.)
One day, we will look back at this and wonder what all the fuss was about.
"Justice will not be served until the unaffected are as outraged as those who are." - Benjamin Franklin
I don't think it is anti-straight at all. Really, everyone has to make their own decision about how they want to go about this. For example, if you have a friend who had already planned their wedding before the passage of Prop 8 and you are one of a very few guests, I think it would be wrong to ruin someone else's wedding, especially someone who is near and dear to you.
On a bright note, a church, whose congregation is over 90% straight, has declared that they are not going to sign any marriage licenses, until they are able to solemnize same-sex marriages. How sweet is that?
http://www.dailytidings.com/2009/0105/stories/0105_marriage.php
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