making new "friends"

Hi all,

I've been spending a lot of time making new facebook friends as I talk about The Marrying Kind. What I'm suggesting (I'm discovering) feels pretty radical to a lot of people. Here's what I wrote to someone who thought getting straight couples to stop getting married was a good idea ( I agree, by the way) but he thought not going to weddings was not a good idea (I disagree, by the way). Especially bad if the couples were poor.

Below: my response

In the US most marriage ceremonies are big events. (Even when the couples are poor).

I completely agree that it would be fantastic if straight couples stayed unwed in solidarity. But, I find that movement a little daunting to take on (especially, since I'm even having trouble convincing people to avoid buying microwaves and toasters). I promise, if you start that facebook group, I will join it -- gladly!

While I really believe that my plan can work--because affecting the economy does create change--there is another reason that I no longer attend weddings. And it is this reason most of all that keeps me at home on my friends big day. I find being there unbelievably painful. Even when it's the wedding of people I truly love.

It is against (federal) law for me to get married. It's illegal. The life I have made with my partner for 11 years is unlawful. Why must I be a good sport, and slap a smile upon my face, and kiss the bride and toast them and celebrate. I have done it for years and I know longer can. My attendance sends the message that I approve of the current definition of marriage in America. I DO NOT.

Do you?

I am tired. I am angry. And I want justice.

I understand that most others don't feel this strongly. But it's interesting to examine why we, as a group, don't. If I started a facebook group inviting people to stop going to clubs that wouldn't let blacks or jews, or any other group in I'd have had thousands of members.

Yet what I'm up to seems, to me, to be the same thing. I can go to the wedding. I can eat the meal. Listen to the band. But I can't join. Not in a real way. So really. why should I want to be there. I have more self respect than that.

And, I can tell you, when I have explained my position to my straight engaged friends they have understood. I have not lost friends over this position of mine. In fact, I have forged stronger bonds.

I ask you to help me by telling your friends what I'm up to. I realize many others will feel as you do. And of course that's ok. But maybe for one or two The Marrying Kind will resonate. I'd love to have them join me -- I could use the help.

my best regards,

Ken O'Neill

www.themarryingkind.org