How this all began

I am the most reluctant of activists. My high school photo was not actually captioned 'Least Likely to Start a Movement'. But that's only because it had no caption at all. I wasn't really a joiner. Or a ring leader. Not a trouble maker. I was a go-with-the-flow guy.

But something happened to me. Slowly. Over time. I'd have a discontented feeling that I'd squash. An unpopular opinion I would not share. And then, all at once I could no longer do what was expected of me. I had to voice my dissent. 

And this moment came while watching Oprah. 

And not one of those Oprah young girls sold into prostitution shows. No. It was a sweet, fantasy wedding episode. I watched a beautiful wedding ceremony. And as I watched, I began to cry. First just a few tears. Then I began to wail violently. I couldn't catch my breath. I've never had a nervous breakdown. But it occurred to me that my exaggerated response to the televised nuptials of complete strangers might in fact  constitute some kind of emotional collapse. I wept straight through the commercial break.

When the show resumed, Oprah was back in her studio sitting with the wedding planner. To me, he seemed pretty gay. And all at once, I understood my tears. I was watching an event that I felt that I, as a gay man, would never be allowed to have. I wondered how conflicting it must be for that wedding planner to dedicate his life to creating events he was forbidden by Federal law from participating in. Then I thought about the whole wedding industry. the florists, organists, dress designers, cater-waiters. What would happen if gay people stopped working in the wedding industry? Straight people wouldn't be able to get married.

Well, of course they would. But the events wouldn't be nearly as fabulous.

Around this time I had attended four weddings in three months. One a gay couple in Holland, was unbelievable. Two gay men legally wed. The other three were straight couples in the USA. These three ceremonies were rough for me. I was happy for my American friends. But the events themselves were really painful. I attended with my partner. We had been together  longer than any of these married couples had been together. I kept wondering if any of the newlyweds would give us special thanks for attending what was obviously a difficult event. Some special praise for attending the segregated event that bans us.  But no thanks were offered.

Soon after, we decided to stop attending weddings and we don't give gifts. I refuse to participate in the wedding economy in anyway until all Americans have equal federal marriage rights. My partner and I are encouraging everyone to join us.  

I'll be back soon to write about what happened the first time we declined a wedding invitation for moral reasons.