I HEART REV. SHEPHERD

I guess all of us want to feel that others understand us and support us.  That what we believe in is valued and respected by others.  I've written before about how difficult it was for me when I first began boycotting weddings because of their inherent segregation. So few people understood or respected my stance. In fact, most people thought I was down right selfish -- that my anger was misdirected at the poor couples who just wanted to be free to celebrate their special days.

I don't get many comments like that anymore. 

Today I was forwarded an inspiring  article from the Ashland Daily Tidings. Reading it I realize that the call to acknowledge marriage segregation is taking hold all over the country.

At the First Congregational United Church of Christ the clergy members have decided that they will no longer sign marriage licenses until they can also sign them for gay & lesbian couples as well. (Let's all pause while we stand up and cheer).

The boycott of signing marriage licenses was the idea of the Rev. Pam Shepherd. (A person I don't know but I love!)

When I started The Marrying Kind group in late August, I would not have believed that there would be members of the clergy, a mere five months later, taking this kind of bold step.

When Harvey Milk said, "You gotta give'em hope,"  he was referring to actions like those of the Rev. Shepherd.  Now because of her, and her fellow clergy members, gays and lesbians will get the message that there is a place for them in a religious community, if they want it.  They will feel that they are welcome. That they are worthy. That the promise of equality is theirs, too.

I'm sure there must be other churches in the US that have taken this noble stance for justice and equality.  If you know of one, please share the information with me.

Because we all could use a lot more hope.

Some of my best friends are straight

A women in LA took the time to e-mail me with a question about the Marrying Kind and whether or not I think what we're up to is anti-straight and reverse racism.  Here is what I said in response:

Thanks for taking the time to write. Forgive my slow response, I've been away.

My big goal with starting The Marrying Kind has been to get people to acknowledge the inherent segregation which is a part of US federal marriage. (Also marriage in many other parts of the word) and to respond accordingly.  I promise you I am not anti-straight.  If I told you that I would not enter a country club that would not take Jews, would you think me anti-christian?  Or if I wouldn't go to a school that didn't admit blacks, would you think me anti-white?

Of course you wouldn't.

For me, I don't see any difference with marriage. It is unfortunately a segregated institution. Now the brides and grooms may not want it to be segregated, but that doesn't change the fact that it is. In the same way that an individual member of the country club might want to let minorities in, but if the club doesn't change its rules, he's just
a really nice guy who is a member of a segregated club.

I was taught by my parents that segregation was unacceptable. When I came to think of marriage in these terms, I could no longer attend them. No matter how much I love the bride and groom.

Here's an interesting fact:  The times I've been tested on this point-- when I've received wedding invitations and declined them-- my resulting relationships with the couples have grown stronger. Our friendships have not suffered. Perhaps because my friends have valued my honesty and my commitment to what is right and just.

I've actually been hearing from many straight people who have chosen to not marry until we all can.  I applaud their choice. BUT I would never ask a straight couple to make that sacrifice. The price is so high.  I know this first hand. In the first ten years of my relationship, my inability to wed has cost my partner and I an additional $100,000 just on health insurance. (hard to believe but true). I would never ask people to put themselves in such an extremely perilous economic position.

Here's the thing about what I'm doing and asking others to do: we're just skipping a party.  The fact that it seems like such a big deal, demonstrates just how important marriage is. And what a disadvantaged position gays and lesbians are placed in by not being afforded equal rights.

If I were to accept an invitation to a wedding and attend, I would be sending the message that I agree with the current definition of marriage in America.  And I do not?

Do you?

my best,

Ken